My heart is shattered.
And yet, every time I think it can’t get any worse, that it can’t break anymore…it fractures again into even tinier pieces.
My whole life right now revolves around helping my youngest through the day. The whole family walks around on anxious eggshells, worried and scared and watching…watching…waiting for the first sign that an explosion is imminent. And if I can’t get it stopped in time, then comes the anger – pouring off of him in waves – where he screams and throws things and runs away as fast as he can. Then I’m stuck with the embarrassment, the shame, and making apologies to total strangers, or worse to people we know, who were swept up as collateral damage. And then, finally, bewilderment and anger and frustration that we’re dealing with this AGAIN.
We don’t know what’s wrong yet. At first, we thought the move 5 months ago had just shaken his foundation and he was simply acting out. That he just didn’t feel secure in all the bouncing around we did for a couple months between a temporary apartment and my in-laws’ house before we could move in and finally settle down. We thought, “We rocked his world (not in a good way) with the move, we’ve got to give him time.”
Time, unfortunately, hasn’t made things better. And the more we take away privileges, the more we talk to him about it, the more he gets sent home from school or to his room, the HARDER I parent – using EVERY. SINGLE. TRICK. in the book…the worse it seems to get. I can’t get through to him. His teachers can’t get through to him. He’s starting to shrug it all off. Like it’s normal.
I’m afraid he’s sick.
I’m terrified he’s got something wrong that will haunt him forever.
I’m so scared that he’ll lose his way and won’t be able to find me. That I won’t be able to shine brightly enough for him to find me when it’s dark and he’s scared and confused. That I won’t be enough to get him through this.
It kills me that I don’t know what to do for him. He’s clearly hurting and I’m his MAMA. I’m the FIXER, goddammit! I’m the one who has the magical kiss that makes boo-boos go away and no matter how many times I kiss his head and fiercely whisper – “I Love you. I’ve got you. No matter what, I love you. No matter what.” – no MATTER how many times I do all the RIGHT things…… IT’S NOT WORKING.
And so…I’m heartbroken.
I’m embarrassed and don’t want to interact with the other moms from his school.
I’m worried about him, about how we’ll handle the summer, and about him being successful in kindergarten next fall.
I resent the time it takes away from our family, from my goals for my business, from the time we could be enjoying a new city and new friends.
At times, it makes me so irrationally angry that I can hardly see straight.
It’s been 4 hours since he was sent home from school this morning and I bled all over this blank screen.
We are taking steps. We have an appointment with a psychologist. We’ve requested an eval through the school district. But it’s all so far in the future and doesn’t give us much relief for right now.
Right now? I’ll keep doing the next right thing. I’ll keep whispering fiercely how much I love him. And somehow … Somehow, I’ll keep finding the strength to be calm and rock solid on the outside, all while trying to patch myself back together on the inside.